Happy…happy…happy! What a word that is thrown around all the time. Especially this time of the year! A new year! It’s such an amazing and exciting time for the unknown. One tradition I always do around this time every year is just take a moment to breathe and think about where I was this time last year. Did I do the things I wanted to do? Did I chase the passions I wanted to chase? And then I think about the next year; I think about all the things that can happen in one year.
New years are the perfect time to start “anew”. They are the perfect time to gain back hope and get excited for all the things that lie ahead of us. But they can also be a time where it is easy to fall into the fear trap. Many opportunities lie ahead in the new year, but so do many unknowns. That can be a little scary. We worry about the new year. Will it be like last year? Will I go through trials again? Will it be hard again? What if bad things happen? What if I’m not happy?
Last year was an amazing year of ups and downs for me. I had my first baby, bought my first house, graduated with my master’s degree and celebrated two years with my love. But also there were many hard times. Times of anxiousness, depression, doubt, and numbness. Many times last year I struggled with that word: “happiness”. I fell into comparison traps, I blamed everyone around me for not feeling happy (including my husband and baby), I blamed my past hurts for keeping me stuck in a pit of despair. Yes, there were times I felt strong in the Lord, but any time something hard happened and my “Happy” was hurt, I returned back to murmuring, complaining, fault-finding, and even finding myself angry towards God.
Yesterday, I felt a general sense of just unhappiness. As I walked through the day, I tried to find every reason for why I was feeling the way I felt. “Well, nothing new and exciting is happening in my life….” “Well, my husband has been getting on my nerves lately….” “Well, my baby has been very clingy and hard to deal with lately….” “Well, my body still isn’t what I want it to be…” “Well, God still hasn’t healed me…” “Blah, blah, blah”. I was sick of being with myself by the end of the day.
After I got baby into bed and my husband went to sleep, I thought maybe a “self-care” night would help. I soaked my feet, watched I Love Lucy, drank some hot peppermint tea, took a bubble bath, and yet the numb sadness was still there. I put my phone down beside the bath, took a deep sigh, and realized what needed to be done. The key to happiness wasn’t going to be found in more “me” time. It wouldn’t be from drastic romantic dates and notions from my hubby. It wouldn’t come from a constantly happy baby and a fit body. Happiness wouldn’t come when all of my wants were met. It could only come from one thing: humility.
I realized that I had been attempting to find blame in everyone and everything else for why I felt the way I did. I wanted to put the responsibility for my happiness on everyone else, that way I didn’t have to do it myself. I realized that I had been walking in selfishness and pride; thinking that the only person that mattered was “me..me…me”. It will exhaust you as a Christian to walk in pride and selfishness, because Christ’s nature of servanthood lies within you and they cannot coincide together in peace.
When you feel yourself always feeling unhappy, think about WHO has been on your mind lately. Is it you? This world teaches us that it’s all about making ourselves happy; it’s all about doing what makes us happy. Who cares if it hurts someone else or you have to walk over everyone else or you have to leave people behind, as long as your happy, you do it. What’s sad is that this type of thinking can slowly leak into our minds as Christians, if we are not careful and cautiously taking inventory of our thought life and heart attitudes.
Movies tell us that romance is always butterflies and fireworks, so if we are not getting that 24/7 then our spouses need to step up and make us happy. Instagram moms post pictures of their perfect babies, always clean, always happy, always doing what they are supposed to. Then our babies act like humans and we think that we did something wrong or got the short end of the stick. Prosperity gospels tell us that God should always bless us and fulfill our every desire, but when we don’t get every single thing we expect from Him, we get bitter and disappointed at God. But did you notice, we never turn our eyes on ourselves.
It’s time we stop blaming everyone else for our current emotional turmoil. It’s time we stop blaming our families for our stress and our jobs for our unhappiness. It’s time we stop blaming God for our disappointments and let down expectations. It’s time we turn the mirror on our own souls and get to the nitty gritty. It’s time to humble ourselves.
I sat in the bath and I wept. For so long I have been murmuring, complaining, and thinking negatively. For so long I was waiting on everything around me to line up perfectly in order for me to find happiness. When the whole time the problem was me. Wrong attitudes, wrong motives, wrong outlooks. Selfishness, pride, envy.
I asked God to forgive me for not being thankful for His many blessings. For always looking at the bad instead of the good. For wanting Him to do my will instead of His will. For blaming everyone else for my problems, instead of the fact that I was running. I didn’t need more self love or self care. I needed time with Jesus. I needed to hit my knees and humble myself and realize that it was me all along that was responsible for my happiness.
David in the bible was often in the midst of trial and turmoil. But one thing you can find in him, is that he always encouraged himself in the Lord. He didn’t need 15 different small groups, 100 new friends, and social media to make him feel good when he struggled. He took it upon himself to encourage himself in the Lord. Sometimes we don’t need to reach for the phone when we are feeling downtrodden or worried. We need to reach into our spirits and say to our soul, “Why, oh my soul, are you downcast? Why are you so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:5).
There is a point when you have to tell yourself, enough is enough! Stop allowing the enemy to walk over you. Stop letting life’s circumstances declare whether you are going to praise God and walk in thankfulness or not. Stop waiting on everyone else to bring you peace and joy, when you can speak to your soul and tell it to rise up!
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.” (1 Peter 5:6). Sometimes, your struggles in life are not because of other people but because you have chosen to continue to walk in defeat. Sometimes you are your own problem. If you speak negatively, think negatively, walk in defeat, murmur, complain, and never count your blessings, then you can bet that you will walk in depression, anxiety, and bitterness.
It’s time to get up! Shake the dirt off, walk in victory, and be who God has called you to be. Stop waiting on others to do the hard work for you. The pastor ain’t gonna do it for you; the people in the alter ain’t gonna do it for you; your friends and spouses aren’t gonna do it for you. If you have struggled with the same sin, the same defeating thoughts, the same fears over and over again, it’s time to humble yourself, surrender to God, and walk in victory. Proclaim His Word instead of your fears. Walk in thanksgiving and praise instead of doubt and complaining.
Stop seeking blog posts to give you the “top 5 mindfulness attitudes” to bring you happiness. Stop buying all of the products that advertise they will complete you. Stop filling your life so full of plans that you cannot find a moment of peace and quiet to hear from God. Make this year the year that you stop relying on others to fill you up, and rely on God instead. Humble yourself, come to Him, and let Him be everything that you need. You will be amazed to find that in the midst of humility (which hurts very bad sometimes), you will find happiness.