A Letter to my Best Friend: From a New Mommy

Dear Best Friend (you know who you are).

I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and I hope you know that. So much has changed so dramatically over the last few years. I got married, became a mommy, and now I’m balancing how to serve as a wife, mommy, daughter, friend, all at the same time. It gets hard sometimes. Remembering what it felt like to drop everything and hang out with you, laugh until we cried, watch movies and eat the junkiest of food feels bittersweet.

I miss who I was back then, when it was just me and you sometimes too! When we would lay on your bed and dream for hours about our future and what we wanted and prayed for. And now I have some of those things and I am so grateful for them, but I also grieve what I lost in a way too.

I miss you. Life got so hectic and I was so overwhelmed trying to figure out how to hold it all together for everyone else without falling apart myself that sometimes I fear I forgot to think about you too. And those few times you would come to my rescue and remind me of who I was before all of these new roles got put on me saved me. I get to where I almost forget who I am apart from wife and mom, and you remind me of my true, goofy, sarcastic, witty self.

I am writing this letter because I want you to know how much you mean to me. I want you to know how much I cherish you even though I still am figuring all of this out. I want you to know that I miss you and I need girl time. I want you to know how much joy it brings me to see you love my family. I want you to know how thankful I am that you haven’t given up on me even through the many cancelled plans, exhausted friend dates, and boring hangouts.

I’m praying for a day where life slows down a bit or even I get better at balancing it all out to where I get to give you the time you truly deserve. I always say I have been so blessed to be surrounded by people who have true servants hearts. You give so freely, so easily, and never look back. You are pure joy, peace, and truly shine the light of Jesus.

One day, we will sit together and reminisce about the good days while making more good days, surrounded by our husbands and children. Until then, lets make the most of these crazy transition years.

I’ll live through your adventures and you can always come home for some yummy homecooked meals. You tell me of your latest excitement and I will tell you of the latest baby poop story. You tell me what’s going on in your crazy world and I’ll tell you what’s going on in mine. And in the midst of the chaos, we can become those two teenage girls again, laughing hysterically, talking in accents, eating way too much chocolate, and trying to find our way in this world.

I am writing this letter because I just want to let you know how thankful I am God put you in my life. How thankful I am that you are longsuffering with me and patient. That you really are a picture of true friendship to me, sometimes when it feels a little too one-sided on your part. I promise I will try to be better at being a new mommy and a best friend; I promise I will learn. But until then, thank you for still loving me while I figure it out. (Also just think of it as me clearing the cobwebs for you for when its your turn).

I love you, best friend. I cherish you. I miss you.

Love,

Your best friend.

Postpartum Body: Does it get Easier?

I promised I would be vulnerable on here and I just want to talk about something I am struggling with pretty bad. My postpartum body. It’s been almost 9 months since I gave birth to John, and I still haven’t “bounced back”. As I watch so many friends who gave birth around the same time as me post their pictures and somehow look like that lost weight being pregnant, I can’t help but feel so discouraged.

I never thought I would have an enemy. This enemy seems to be everywhere, all the time. It’s a reminder of the things I hate about myself and I can’t stand to look in it. This enemy: the mirror. Y’all I absolutely hate getting undressed in front of the mirror. I hate seeing those stretch marks, the jiggly belly, the extra pudge. I pull the fat around my face back to remember thinner days. I turn sideways and see what looks like a 2 month pregnant belly. I turn around and look at the rolls on my back forming as I turn. I feel utter disgust. Humiliation at my husband seeing me. Tears welling up in my eyes.

Last night my husband weighed the baby by first standing on the scale and then holding John and standing on the scale. I glanced at the weight of them two together and felt a punch to the gut: they weigh less together than I do at the moment. Not by much, but still. The thought that two people weigh less than I do together made me want to throw up. And then yesterday we picked up my wedding set that was resized because I was tired of not wearing my rings. When I went to put them on, they fit, but they still were tight. It felt like punch after punch. I felt sadness and depression looming nearby.

That night after the baby went to sleep, I wanted to relax in the bath. As Tyler got ready for bed he happened to be in there as I undressed. Complete shame filled me and I just wanted to hide. I got in the tub hoping he would just hurry and leave the room. He came by and kneeled by the tub to kiss me goodnight and as our eyes met he asked those words, “What’s wrong?”

Now if you know me, I can hold my tears back as long as you don’t acknowledge me. But as soon as you ask me to talk about what’s wrong, they will flow like Niagara Falls! I start bawling and say something along the lines of, “I hate myself. I hate my body.” Knowing he needed to get up in about 5 hours for work, he still sat down by the tub and held my head in his arms. He kissed my head, my arm, my tear rolling down my cheek, and said, “I love every part of you.” “But I don’t, I hate every part of myself.” “He prayed over me and told me I needed to get alone with God and listen.

As he went to bed, I sat in the tub and decided to listen. “God, I don’t like feeling like this… I’m so tired of hating myself.” “Your worth is much more than what is physical. There are some who would trade a “perfect body” for your stretch marks and weight gain. Those who want a baby so bad, they would immediately take a body they do not “love”. Be grateful for the scars, the jiggly bits, and your womb.”

This hit me hard. It’s not fair to whine about my body. Yes, I have a thyroid problem that makes losing weight extremely hard (if not impossible). Yes, I don’t like my reflection and it feels like whatever I do doesn’t work or help. But, I hold a baby boy everyday who is healthy and happy. This is the body that carried him. This is the body that my husband loves. This is the body that carries me throughout this life, making memories and taking me on adventures. I am so tired of being my own worst enemy. I am so tired of being mean and hateful to the person that God loves. I would never in my life allow someone to talk like this about themselves, but I allow the abuse to myself.

Ladies, I still struggle with my body. But I am choosing to work hard in the ways I can by being healthy, and letting God do the rest. I am choosing to learn to love myself in this season without hating my reflection or pictures of myself. I am so tired of seeing my husband’s smile go away when he shows me a picture he took of me and the baby and all I can do is criticize my image. He saw a memory, the woman he loves and the baby we made, and all I saw was myself.

Hating yourself is selfishness. It’s always thinking about yourself and not of others. It’s okay to work on yourself and be healthy, but when it surrounds your life in a way that your self takes priority over other’s, it’s not godly nor healthy. So if you had a baby and your body bounced right back, I am thankful for you! I am so glad that your body is healthy and you now have a healthy body. If you are struggling with your postpartum body like me, I am with you, but let’s be thankful for the gift of life and the amazing work God created our bodies to do. And if you’re struggling to even have that precious baby you dream of, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you with my criticism and thoughtlessness. I am praying for you and that God would answer every desire of your heart.

Let’s stop letting the enemy win. Let’s stop allowing him to steal the joy of this season. Let’s stop allowing him to take away the praise we should be giving, and replacing it with complaining. Speak well about yourself, for you are a daughter of the Most High! He doesn’t like you talking so badly about the one He loves. Your spouse doesn’t like hearing you talk about the one he loves so much. Your child doesn’t need to hear you talk about their mama, teaching them it’s okay to talk so badly about yourself.

So, I encourage you to take some time to be friends with yourself. Give your worries, pains, and shame to God and enjoy every moment of this time of your life. Happy homemaking and good luck!

Marriage Hurts but Marriage Heals

Marriage is the most difficult and beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Both hard and easy at the same time. Sounds impossible right? But it’s true. I find marriage both as natural as breathing and as difficult as rock climbing rope free up a 750 foot mountain (that escalated quickly).

Marriage, how I understand it, is the unification of spirit and flesh; two spirits and flesh becoming one. That’s why in the flesh marriage hurts; and in the spirit, your marriage can heal.

My husband and I just recently went through one of those “fun” growing times together. Personal struggles and relational struggles came together to a pinpoint which led to a perfect storm of tension and conflict.

The hurts of marriage come when one flesh fights against itself, injuring the other part as if it were somehow separate. Harsh words, wrong thoughts, selfish actions, all of these come against the flesh of your marriage and attempt division and anger.

Satan is against your marriage from the start, I hope you know that. That’s not to cause fear or trepidation, but it is to cause you to be on alert and stop treating your marriage so trivially. He wants to divide and conquer; divide the marriage, conquer the family. And all we have to do is look at divorce rates to know that he is somewhat succeeding.

I believe it’s because so often we live in the hurt factor of marriage without ever touching the healing portion. We allow the fleshy part to rule over the spiritual and then wonder why our “godly” marriage pictures that of the world.

We got to the pinpoint and realized that it was time to fight back. We put the baby to bed, came together and battled in prayer. We asked for forgiveness from one another, we confessed our sins to one another, and we reminded one another of our vows and love.

And although there had been hurt, surrending the fleshy part of our marriage to God, allowed for His hand to come in and bring about the most beautiful healing my spirit has ever felt.

Tears, smiles, kisses, and redemption all met together there in complete surrender. It was a glorious moment in our marriage I know we will remember forever. All it took was surrender; surrender of pride, surrender of bitterness, surrender of expectations. All of it, tossed into the hands of the One Who carries us.

I say all of this to bring hope to the broken marriage or the single person afraid of taking that step into marriage.

Amidst a world that only highlights the brokenness of such a holy covenant, there is another side of complete restoration and redemption that is available as well.

I’m not here to say my marriage is perfect and we are doing everything right (obviously). What I am saying is after a week of trying to do it all on our own and in the flesh, we found it was so much more beautiful to hand it over to the Father.

So take that step of surrender. Confess your sins against your spouse, whether that’s bitterness, anger, unfaithfulness. Request forgiveness and make sure to forgive. Remember why you chose marriage and love and continue in it. And let God do His beautiful work in your lives.

Happy homemaking is about making your home happy and holy. And a strong marriage will do the trick! Love you guys!

To My Husband: What Marriage with You has Taught Me

Yesterday was my two year wedding anniversary with my husband. Two years to many is not a lot, but every year I get with him is a marker of God’s faithfulness to me.

You see, it was hard for me to be married, because taking that step of trust in someone was something of a mountain for me. I was single for a very long time because of fear; fear of being hurt, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of being vulnerable, the list goes on.

I was so afraid that fear would take away my hope for marriage (I know, ironic right?). But God’s plans for our lives always prevail; and He is faithful to answer our prayers and deliver us from fear and anxiety. When Tyler came into my life, I listened to fear first. “Don’t go out with him; you’ll get hurt”; “What if he is not ‘the one'”; “It hasn’t worked out with anyone else, what’s the point in trying?”. This was before I even met the poor guy. So I stopped talking to him for a couple of weeks. As usual.

Then one day, I came across his picture and my heart fluttered with disappointment. I had blown it again. But I heard the voice of God so clearly say, “What if that is your husband, and you are going to let fear stop you?”

You see up to that point, fear had taken so many things from me. My peace, my joy, my hope. Was I going to let it take this away from me too? Finally, my stubbornness rose up in me and I said, “No. Not this time.” I texted him and it was set in stone. We went on our first date in May and were married in November of the same year. Too fast, you say? Not to me. Because he was the answer to every single prayer I ever said.

So what has being married to you, Tyler, meant to me?

You have taught me that love can be unconditional. I thought only God could love me that way. Yet, here you are, loving me through the hardest of times. When I’m stubborn, unlovable, mean, sad; when I accept the lies that I am unworthy, unsexy, untouchable. You are there, still loving me.

When the world and my mind tell me that I’m not worth fighting for; you’re there, fighting for me. When everyone else would have thrown me away, you’re picking me back up. When I get my eyes off of God and on my self, you lift my chin back up to Him.

When I don’t know a tender word or a soft touch, there you are, loving me so tenderly.

You, my husband, are the light of Jesus in my life. You preach the gospel to me with the grace and mercy you extend to me every day.

I don’t understand with my mind why you would have chosen to marry someone like me. And that is why I know you were sent to me from a God Who loves to give gifts that we don’t deserve.

So, my love, what has being married to you taught me? That hope in this life can be restored. Broken minds and hearts can be mended. And that love, marriage, romance, does not have to die. When a marriage is handed over to God every second of every day, it is possible to have fulfillment, and joy, and love.

So thank you, Tyler, for allowing God to use you to restore this broken soul. That had lost a lot of hope in what this life had to offer.

I love you. And I love living this life with you. Thank you.