I’m Tired: A Mommy Monologue

I’m laying in the bath, candle lit, writing this with tears in my eyes. Nothing “big” or “bad” happened today. It was a normal day of waking up early, diaper changes, bottle feedings, two baths, exploration of new foods, messy high chairs, laundry, toys scattered everywhere, new discoveries, chasing a hyper boy around, teething, falling down, laundry, cooking, cleaning… the list goes on and on.

That’s what a usual day looks like here at the Richards’ house but today I am just…. tired. I feel at my end and my limit. I feel like I have said nothing else today but “No no John,” “Don’t do that, John” “Come here baby” “Please don’t hit” “Don’t throw your food” “Don’tdrink the bath water”. So many NOs and not a lot of YAYs. As I got him ready for bed I just was so ready for him to be asleep so I can enjoy a minute of quiet.

And then overwhelming guilt hits me like a punch in the gut because I realized all day I haven’t got to enjoy John because I feel like I have had to discipline and parent. Instead of giggles and cuddles, today was a bunch of pitching fits and yelling. It doesn’t help that I was reminiscing all of his newborn pictures and videos last night either; making me miss those days of hectic quiet, coos, and soft cuddles.

Parenting is not easy. It is a never ending battle of wanting to slow time down and soak in every moment to please let this day hurry so I can enjoy some peace and quiet.

Time has moved so quickly lately. John is almost 10 months old and my heart is breaking. There really isn’t a point to my post except just to share what I’m feeling, which is raw feelings of sadness, exhaustion, immense love and joy, all at the same time.

But I think that’s what motherhood is; high elation and low valleys. Tears and laughs, smiles and frowns, yelling and praising. I know there will be more days like today; where I feel more like the principle from Matilda (bun included) than the teacher who comes in and saves the day with sunshine and giggles.

But that’s okay, because I wanted this and I love this. And its also okay to be exhausted and tired and frustrated in the midst of all that you wanted. Sometimes we feel so pressured to not seem “ungrateful” that we go along steaming up inside until we boil over.

You’re allowed to feel emotions, you’re allowed to miss the times when it was just you and you could do whatever you wanted, you’re allowed to crave solitude and maybe even a vacation where it’s just you, a beach, and a bible. When we strive to fit this perfect “mom” picture, the instagram mom, who always seems to have it together and enjoy every second of motherhood, then we find ourselves trying to fit a triangle into an oval; it’s impossible (yes, even my analogies now involve baby toys).

So, I just wanted to share with you mamas (and daddys) out there that, I am so tired. And I feel like poo for yelling today a lot. And I’m crying in the bath tub, simultaneously enjoying my quiet and fighting the urge to go wake the baby up for cuddles and kisses.

And I want to encourage you in this season, that you’re not alone. And God sees what you do for your family every day. And God sees your grateful heart thats just a little weary at the moment. And God wants to take away the shame that’s trying to tell you you’re not good enough for your family. And God wants to wrap you in His arms and tell you everything is alright and a new day starts tomorrow. And God wants to let you know He can carry you through the tough days as much as He’s present in the beautiful days. I want to encourage you to take a breath, start again, and truly try and savor these moments.

Parenting is hard. Motherhood is hard. Humaning is hard. But life is beautiful, messy, and amazing. So if you are like me, in the tub exhausted, tired, crying, and guilty. Stop it. Breath in. Pray for strength. And smile at this crazy, silly, beautiful life God has picked for us to live. Love you guys. Happy homemaking!

(Our Not so) Happy Halloween: Letting Go of Expectations

What a happy family….. you think!

So I promised to be real and share the good, the bad, and the ugly. So I will be sharing my Halloween story. This picture looks like a cute little family, in their cute little costumes, all happy and put together. What you don’t see is a mama on her brink of psychosis, a husband who has heard her griping all day being forced to wear blush, and a baby who is STILL teething and actually not crying for two seconds (or ripping off his hat). 


As mamas, wives, humans in general, sometimes we have these expectations about the way things should go. Our marriages should be chalk full of romance all the time, our children should always be clean and happy, and most of all, our holidays should be smooth experiences full of laughter, smiles, and cute babies who willingly wear costumes and cooperate. Having these expectations isn’t necessarily a wrong thing, but what you will notice if you haven’t already, they lead to a big stumbling block: disappointment. 

Yesterday was quite disappointing at first; I won’t lie. I had all of these dreams and visions about John’s first Halloween going so well and being full of the best memories. My Halloween can be summed up in the following ways: last minute wardrobe malfunctions (literally sewing a new costume for John because Amazon sent me a 2T), a crying baby who would NOT cooperate because of teething, my skirt tearing as I try to pick up the crying baby, and just a general sense of chaos to be honest. 


For a moment I told Tyler, “You know what, let’s just stay home. I don’t want to do this anymore!” Luckily I have a husband who can keep his cool in the midst of chaos (thank God) who didn’t let my spoiled outburst ruin the day completely. 


See I almost let expectations take a memory away from us. Whether the memory is perfect or perfectly messy, it is still a memory that is precious to our home! Without the chaos and crying baby (who cried the whole time in the car by the way), I wouldn’t have the perfect moment captured in my head when I glanced over at my gnome-dressed husband in the car, him looking back, and us simply smiling at each other at the humor of the moment. 


I say all of this to say, once I let go of expectations I actually enjoyed the rest of the night. I got to enjoy popcorn, watch Hocus Pocus, and relax a little. It’s okay for us to begin letting go of expectations. Those we have of God, our spouses, our children, even of ourselves. It is okay to let life unfold the way it is and simply enjoy the moments we have! God is clear on what expectations we should have, which is expectations of His goodness to us (Philippians 1:20; Psalm 5:3).


Disappointment in collapsed expectations give us a false sense that our life is not good; and this is not true. If you have your family together, full bellies, and a roof over your head, your life is good! We have to take the pressure off of ourselves of life having to be so put together and perfect, and let life happen as humor-filled and unperfect as it wishes. So I leave you with two things: the Word of God and pictures of my Halloween reality to encourage you if your day didn’t go as planned. Happy Halloween and happy homemaking! 


“We wait [expectantly] for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For in Him our heart rejoices, because we trust [lean on, rely on, and are confident] in His holy name. Let Your [steadfast] lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, in proportion as we have hoped in You.” Psalm 33:20-22 AMP

Reality