I’m Tired: A Mommy Monologue

I’m laying in the bath, candle lit, writing this with tears in my eyes. Nothing “big” or “bad” happened today. It was a normal day of waking up early, diaper changes, bottle feedings, two baths, exploration of new foods, messy high chairs, laundry, toys scattered everywhere, new discoveries, chasing a hyper boy around, teething, falling down, laundry, cooking, cleaning… the list goes on and on.

That’s what a usual day looks like here at the Richards’ house but today I am just…. tired. I feel at my end and my limit. I feel like I have said nothing else today but “No no John,” “Don’t do that, John” “Come here baby” “Please don’t hit” “Don’t throw your food” “Don’tdrink the bath water”. So many NOs and not a lot of YAYs. As I got him ready for bed I just was so ready for him to be asleep so I can enjoy a minute of quiet.

And then overwhelming guilt hits me like a punch in the gut because I realized all day I haven’t got to enjoy John because I feel like I have had to discipline and parent. Instead of giggles and cuddles, today was a bunch of pitching fits and yelling. It doesn’t help that I was reminiscing all of his newborn pictures and videos last night either; making me miss those days of hectic quiet, coos, and soft cuddles.

Parenting is not easy. It is a never ending battle of wanting to slow time down and soak in every moment to please let this day hurry so I can enjoy some peace and quiet.

Time has moved so quickly lately. John is almost 10 months old and my heart is breaking. There really isn’t a point to my post except just to share what I’m feeling, which is raw feelings of sadness, exhaustion, immense love and joy, all at the same time.

But I think that’s what motherhood is; high elation and low valleys. Tears and laughs, smiles and frowns, yelling and praising. I know there will be more days like today; where I feel more like the principle from Matilda (bun included) than the teacher who comes in and saves the day with sunshine and giggles.

But that’s okay, because I wanted this and I love this. And its also okay to be exhausted and tired and frustrated in the midst of all that you wanted. Sometimes we feel so pressured to not seem “ungrateful” that we go along steaming up inside until we boil over.

You’re allowed to feel emotions, you’re allowed to miss the times when it was just you and you could do whatever you wanted, you’re allowed to crave solitude and maybe even a vacation where it’s just you, a beach, and a bible. When we strive to fit this perfect “mom” picture, the instagram mom, who always seems to have it together and enjoy every second of motherhood, then we find ourselves trying to fit a triangle into an oval; it’s impossible (yes, even my analogies now involve baby toys).

So, I just wanted to share with you mamas (and daddys) out there that, I am so tired. And I feel like poo for yelling today a lot. And I’m crying in the bath tub, simultaneously enjoying my quiet and fighting the urge to go wake the baby up for cuddles and kisses.

And I want to encourage you in this season, that you’re not alone. And God sees what you do for your family every day. And God sees your grateful heart thats just a little weary at the moment. And God wants to take away the shame that’s trying to tell you you’re not good enough for your family. And God wants to wrap you in His arms and tell you everything is alright and a new day starts tomorrow. And God wants to let you know He can carry you through the tough days as much as He’s present in the beautiful days. I want to encourage you to take a breath, start again, and truly try and savor these moments.

Parenting is hard. Motherhood is hard. Humaning is hard. But life is beautiful, messy, and amazing. So if you are like me, in the tub exhausted, tired, crying, and guilty. Stop it. Breath in. Pray for strength. And smile at this crazy, silly, beautiful life God has picked for us to live. Love you guys. Happy homemaking!

Finding Myself Again: The Journey of Learning I am more than a Mother and Wife

Our identity need not lie in the roles we play here on Earth, but in the stance we took when we were adopted into God’s family. I am more than mother and wife, I am first a daughter.

Katie Richards

I finished my master’s degree back in October and since then have been dealing with some identity issues. Before school ended I felt as though I still had something for myself. Yes, I was a wife and mother, but I also had school which helped me to feel like I had a meaningful purpose.

When school ended, my role switched and as I do with most things in life, I found myself pouring all of myself into my husband, son, and household, that there wasn’t much left for “me” anymore. It’s been a slow process but I have felt the burning out. The endless cycles of cleaning, cooking, and serving everyone else, and sometimes feeling like I am forgotten along the way.

My personality is a go-getter personality. Up to this point in my life, I have always had something that I was chasing after; some goal that kept the fire lit in my soul. Today as I poured my heart out to God, I wept as I told Him, “I feel like my fire is gone. I don’t even have a dream or passion for myself anymore. I’m tired of living off the vision of everyone else; I want vision again.”

I type this out with tears in my eyes because it has been the first time that I have allowed myself to feel these feelings and I will tell you why. Every time in the past I almost got to this point, I would feel guilty. If I allow myself to weep over what I feel like I have lost in this season of motherhood and marriage, then I am not being thankful for what a beautiful blessing it is.

But that isn’t true. We are allowed to be so thankful for what God has blessed us with, while also wanting our souls on fire for the things of God again. We are allowed to serve our families while not forgetting what our real passion and purposes are. Yes, God has me in this season of homemaking, but He also has other things in store for me. I am so tired of living in an “either-or” state of mind.

I am writing about this because I am sure that I am not the only young mother, wife, and woman who has felt this way before. But I offer encouragement. Today, as I wept tears of grief, weariness, and just exhaustion, God comforted my soul. “Daughter, your purpose in life is not to be a wife, mother, teacher, author, evangelist, or person in ministry. It is not to master the art of homemaking or be the one everyone comes far and wide to listen to. Your purpose is to be Mine, to seek Me in everything you do. When your heart has the right purpose in it, you will find passion in your home and on the stage.”

As I’ve poured myself into everyone and everything, I have lacked in pouring myself completely into God and the things of God. Had I purposed in my heart to serve Him first, then all the rest would easily follow. You see, exhaustion comes when we try and do everything without Him. We think we are simply doing our part and playing our roles, but God has asked we do all things according to Him.

So when I am cooking dinner, I am not simply feeding my family. I am feeding my husband, who has mighty purpose and anointing on Him. I am feeding my son, who will follow in his father’s footsteps, a prophet to the nations and mighty man of God. And I am feeding myself, a mighty woman of God with a heart for the broken and the Word of God.

When I am cleaning my house, I am making a home that is welcoming the Holy Spirit. Where the hurt and broken can come and be ministered to, through the Word or through baked goods. Where peace is present, and laughter is worship to the Lord.

We all live in seasons. And right now your season may be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom who feels like everything is spent out in serving others. I encourage you to change your mindset. To allow God to rewrite how you think about your daily life. To pray daily that God would show up and order your steps.

I am excited to see what God has in store for the future. I am. But I cannot afford to spend my time always looking ahead and forgetting what is in my today. The chances for ministry here in my own home. The chances to serve God in humility as I lay myself down and put others before me. What we cannot forget is to pour into our spiritual lives by setting aside time with Jesus as a priority.

The One Who loves you more in a second than anyone can in a lifetime longs to spend time with you. And when you set aside daily duties, to-do lists, and distractions, you will find the Well that never runs dry, ready and willing to fill up and overflow every part of you that feels empty.

So, yes I am a mother and a wife. And I love those roles that Jesus has blessed me with. But first, I am a daughter of the Most High. Adopted, created with purpose, and made for communion with my Father. So, I am opting to walk in that role first, and I know the passion and fire for the rest of my roles will come with it.

Seasons come and go, but it is what we do with them that truly matters. Enjoy your season and use it as an act of worship to God. I hope this encourages you, happy homemaking daughter!

Postpartum Body: Does it get Easier?

I promised I would be vulnerable on here and I just want to talk about something I am struggling with pretty bad. My postpartum body. It’s been almost 9 months since I gave birth to John, and I still haven’t “bounced back”. As I watch so many friends who gave birth around the same time as me post their pictures and somehow look like that lost weight being pregnant, I can’t help but feel so discouraged.

I never thought I would have an enemy. This enemy seems to be everywhere, all the time. It’s a reminder of the things I hate about myself and I can’t stand to look in it. This enemy: the mirror. Y’all I absolutely hate getting undressed in front of the mirror. I hate seeing those stretch marks, the jiggly belly, the extra pudge. I pull the fat around my face back to remember thinner days. I turn sideways and see what looks like a 2 month pregnant belly. I turn around and look at the rolls on my back forming as I turn. I feel utter disgust. Humiliation at my husband seeing me. Tears welling up in my eyes.

Last night my husband weighed the baby by first standing on the scale and then holding John and standing on the scale. I glanced at the weight of them two together and felt a punch to the gut: they weigh less together than I do at the moment. Not by much, but still. The thought that two people weigh less than I do together made me want to throw up. And then yesterday we picked up my wedding set that was resized because I was tired of not wearing my rings. When I went to put them on, they fit, but they still were tight. It felt like punch after punch. I felt sadness and depression looming nearby.

That night after the baby went to sleep, I wanted to relax in the bath. As Tyler got ready for bed he happened to be in there as I undressed. Complete shame filled me and I just wanted to hide. I got in the tub hoping he would just hurry and leave the room. He came by and kneeled by the tub to kiss me goodnight and as our eyes met he asked those words, “What’s wrong?”

Now if you know me, I can hold my tears back as long as you don’t acknowledge me. But as soon as you ask me to talk about what’s wrong, they will flow like Niagara Falls! I start bawling and say something along the lines of, “I hate myself. I hate my body.” Knowing he needed to get up in about 5 hours for work, he still sat down by the tub and held my head in his arms. He kissed my head, my arm, my tear rolling down my cheek, and said, “I love every part of you.” “But I don’t, I hate every part of myself.” “He prayed over me and told me I needed to get alone with God and listen.

As he went to bed, I sat in the tub and decided to listen. “God, I don’t like feeling like this… I’m so tired of hating myself.” “Your worth is much more than what is physical. There are some who would trade a “perfect body” for your stretch marks and weight gain. Those who want a baby so bad, they would immediately take a body they do not “love”. Be grateful for the scars, the jiggly bits, and your womb.”

This hit me hard. It’s not fair to whine about my body. Yes, I have a thyroid problem that makes losing weight extremely hard (if not impossible). Yes, I don’t like my reflection and it feels like whatever I do doesn’t work or help. But, I hold a baby boy everyday who is healthy and happy. This is the body that carried him. This is the body that my husband loves. This is the body that carries me throughout this life, making memories and taking me on adventures. I am so tired of being my own worst enemy. I am so tired of being mean and hateful to the person that God loves. I would never in my life allow someone to talk like this about themselves, but I allow the abuse to myself.

Ladies, I still struggle with my body. But I am choosing to work hard in the ways I can by being healthy, and letting God do the rest. I am choosing to learn to love myself in this season without hating my reflection or pictures of myself. I am so tired of seeing my husband’s smile go away when he shows me a picture he took of me and the baby and all I can do is criticize my image. He saw a memory, the woman he loves and the baby we made, and all I saw was myself.

Hating yourself is selfishness. It’s always thinking about yourself and not of others. It’s okay to work on yourself and be healthy, but when it surrounds your life in a way that your self takes priority over other’s, it’s not godly nor healthy. So if you had a baby and your body bounced right back, I am thankful for you! I am so glad that your body is healthy and you now have a healthy body. If you are struggling with your postpartum body like me, I am with you, but let’s be thankful for the gift of life and the amazing work God created our bodies to do. And if you’re struggling to even have that precious baby you dream of, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you with my criticism and thoughtlessness. I am praying for you and that God would answer every desire of your heart.

Let’s stop letting the enemy win. Let’s stop allowing him to steal the joy of this season. Let’s stop allowing him to take away the praise we should be giving, and replacing it with complaining. Speak well about yourself, for you are a daughter of the Most High! He doesn’t like you talking so badly about the one He loves. Your spouse doesn’t like hearing you talk about the one he loves so much. Your child doesn’t need to hear you talk about their mama, teaching them it’s okay to talk so badly about yourself.

So, I encourage you to take some time to be friends with yourself. Give your worries, pains, and shame to God and enjoy every moment of this time of your life. Happy homemaking and good luck!

What it Means to have a Miscarriage

This post may be hard for many to read, but I realized that not many people talk about this subject. Not nearly enough women share their stories with others, their struggles, grief, tears. For such a heavy weight, we seem to feel like we always have to carry it alone. Is it shame? Guilt? Fear?

I’m not sure why we don’t discuss miscarriage. But I feel it heavily on my heart to talk about. I promised to talk about the real, the bad, and the ugly. Here is the real.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant. I was in the Walmart bathroom because I couldn’t wait to find out. That line showed up and my heart leapt for joy! I headed straight to Babies’r’us with the little bit of break I had left to buy a onesie and gift for my husband to surprise him with! Father’s day was approaching in a month and I decided what better thing to do then buy a “#1 dad” shirt.

When I told him, we shared a hug in joy and immediately had to go and tell our families. We couldn’t wait to share the news! We hadn’t been planning a baby, but we sure were so joyous to know such a blessing was coming. The next month passed uneventfully. My morning sickness dissipated pretty quickly; I thought I was just lucky.

That Father’s day weekend is when it happened. I remember we were discussing buying a home because we wanted to have extra room for the baby. We went to Home Depot and my back was hurting so bad. Having past sciatica pain, I didn’t think much of it. The next morning I went to get groceries by myself so I could spend the rest of the day with my husband. When I got home, I spotted for the first time. It was only light pink. I immediately texted my sister and mom to make sure it was okay. “Well, as long as it isn’t red and clotting, you should be fine.”

My heart was in my stomach, I knew something wasn’t right but I had hope. I prayed and texted my husband who immediately came home to be with me. We went on with our day, both carrying a heavy worry with us. That day the spotting continued. We went to see fireworks that night and I remember so badly wanting to enjoy the moment, but my heart was hovering over that little baby in my womb, trying to protect it while I could.

The next morning on Father’s day, I woke up to more spotting. And cramping. Each time I went to the bathroom I dreaded having to wipe. Fear gripped my heart but I had to have hope. I had to.

We went to dinner with my father and I had to run to the bathroom. My sister (a nurse) came with me, and saw the clotting when I wiped. I still remember her look, because although the words I heard were reassuring, the reality had set in for both of us. We left early and my body went into labor as I sat on my couch. I began to shake because I had never felt such pain in my entire life.

We hurried to the hospital and I felt like I was walking on air as I made my way into the waiting room. I had to tell the woman at the front desk why I was there, “I think I’m having a miscarriage”. I felt like someone else was speaking, but the words came out. As I stood up from the desk chair in the middle of the lobby I felt the gush of blood come out. It was running down my legs and getting all over the lobby. I began to shake.

They immediately got me back and every where I walked, blood followed. They wanted me to pee in a cup. It was only blood. I told the nurse I couldn’t do it. I wanted to throw up. There was so much blood in that bathroom, I even felt guilty and was apologizing to the nurse for the mess. Tears consumed me. I dare not look in the toilet but I did and I saw my baby. That still haunts me to this day.

When I went in my room my husband’s eyes met mine and he could only utter, “Oh God.” There was so much blood he didn’t know what to say or do.

What was really ironic was I was begging for pain to come back. Because after the gush, the pain stopped. And I knew what that meant but I didn’t want my mind to go there.

An interesting point about me and my husband is that we were both twins in the womb and both of our mothers lost our twins.

I remember sitting on that hospital bed, about to have my first ultrasound, hoping, begging, praying that there would be a baby. That maybe I lost a twin too. God please let there be a baby. In walks my ultrasound tech who just happened to be 8 months pregnant (that one hurt). She wheeled me into the room and it took me a while to get the guts to look at the screen. Empty.

Empty was a good word for how I felt in that moment. My first doctors appointment was supposed to be in two days. Instead it was going to be him having to make sure I was that word again: empty.

I can’t begin to tell you the grief that comes with a miscarriage. You only understand if you have been through it. There were no words, no scriptures, no prayers that helped. Every dream we had dreamed up, the names we had called out, the prayers we had prayed for that baby, all gone. I sat in my bathroom floor and weeped for weeks. Because what people don’t talk about is that you continue to bleed for weeks. You have to go to your doctor and “make sure” that you have completely passed your pregnancy.

How horrible it was to go to my first visit and see an empty womb. What was supposed to be a joyous day was a day of pure torture. I remember looking at my husband and asking, “why” as we stared at the screen. My doctor told me the usual. It is very common for first pregnancies to end in miscarriage. There’s nothing I could have done to stop it. It wasn’t my fault.

I wish that those words would have helped but I went home and felt, well, still empty. I had bought the baby some classic Winnie the pooh dolls because that was what the nursery was going to be. For the longest time I couldn’t pass the nursery without wanting to throw up. Those dolls just laid there in the bassinet my sister had let me borrow. Mocking me.

We got pregnant right away (unplanned). And John was born a month after our first baby was to be born. And I felt guilty for feeling happy, because without losing my baby, I wouldn’t have the baby I’m holding. It is such a weird moment of joy and grief mixed together. It is so hard to describe.

To have a miscarriage is not just to lose a baby. It’s to lose a whole life that you dream about when you see that line show up for the first time. It’s to grieve all of the kicks and somersaults in your belly. The cuddles, kisses, and hugs. A part of you and your spouse, gone.

It wasn’t just a pregnancy, it was my baby. I still grieve over my baby. That week I prayed begrudgingly to God, to at least let me know whether my baby was a girl or boy. That night I had a dream that I was holding a small baby in my hand that was sickly and grey. She was beautiful and looked like my husband. And in the dream tears ran down my face, as I said, “Her name is Grace.”

I woke up bawling my eyes out because although I was mad at God, He was good enough to let me see my baby girl, Grace. When I had John in the hospital, I thought of Grace. When he smiled at me for the first time, I thought of Grace. When I see baby girls, I think of my Grace.

When you have a miscarriage, there are many things to do and to not do. But I will leave you with the things I learned.

1. Let yourself grieve. Do not try and cut off what you feel too early. You lost a child, it’s okay to not be okay.

2. Let yourself feel ALL of the emotions. The anger, fear, sadness. I was so mad at God. I didn’t understand. “You let a drug addict have perfectly healthy babies and you take mine?!?” I yelled at Him. I was so angry and hurt. But in the midst of that pain I also knew He was the only place I could turn to. And I truly feel like He held me, like a Father holding a child who doesn’t understand pain quite yet.

3. Let yourself remember. When time passes and the grief gets a little less heavy, let yourself remember that baby. I think about Grace, and I let myself cry (as I am right now). I let myself think of her, in heaven, growing and maybe watching her parents attempt to raise her brother and thanking God she got a free pass (I say this with a smile).

If someone you know has gone through a miscarriage, please do not throw scripture at them. Please do not throw the trivial, “Everything happens for a reason”, “You will have more kids, don’t worry,” or the “It’s all in God’s timing.” Do not go there. You will only tear a deeper gash in an already deep wound. Just learn to be there in the midst of grief with another. Bring dinner, a hug, a comfy blanket. Don’t bring “wisdom” you know nothing about.

The most healing moment for me was when my mother in law came over. She sat next to me and with tears she simply said, “I know.” And she hugged me and I weeped.

The grief doesn’t ever go away but you get stronger to carry it. My mother still cries over her miscarriages 26 years later. Because they aren’t just “lost pregnancies”, they are lost children and it’s okay to say that. There feels like a stigma that because it was “too early” or you “never saw a heart beat” or “never held them” that it somehow discounts that you were once carrying life and now it’s gone.

So you grieve that baby, you remember that life, and you celebrate it. Because although that baby was here for just a little time, it’s life deserves to be celebrated and cherished.

If you are going through a miscarriage or have recently gone through one, just know that I love you and I know. Time passes, wounds heal, and you get stronger.

“Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5

The Top 5 Things I Loved for My New Baby

I became a first time mom this year with my precious baby boy, who is now 8 months old (wow how time flies). One of the things I remember the most during my preparation time for his arrival, was panicking about what I needed to have for him! So many opinions, so many differences, so many options, and so much money! I didn’t want to spend tons of money on things that I would never use and regret the purchase! So I waited (which was against my nature) until the baby came for a lot of the things I fell in love with!

Because each baby is different, he told me what I needed rather than some stranger on the internet who had a different baby! So, I know I sound like a hypocrite by giving you a list of what I found useful for my baby, but honestly it’s just to help you out if you want other’s opinions on the matter! If you find your baby is similar to what I describe, then you may love it too!

1. Playtex diaper genie

Some people will say that this is a stupid purchase and you may agree. However, I found it so handy and am still using it 8 months later! I will definitely keep mine for future babies, so all-in-all this is a gift that keeps on giving!

I noticed that middle of the night changes led to diapers piling up on the changing table which sat there all night because let’s face it, my goal was to change, feed, and sleep.

What I found was the next morning the room smelt of whatever contents were in those diapers: pee, poo, pee and poo, you get the picture. So I decided to try the diaper genie and it is everything I hoped for and more! I change it maybe once or twice a month and it holds so many diapers at a time while keeping the stink way down! Traditional trash bags don’t do the job, and unless you feel like running diapers to the trash outside all the time, the diaper genie is for you!

Also, you can get it in different colors too! We chose a mint green that matched little mans nursery and it really tied everything together. I love the diaper genie so much!

2. Munchkin Wipe warmer

So this is actually a product that I said I would NEVER buy prior to having an actual baby. Because obviously we know everything about parenting before actually even having children.

However, you will change your tune if your baby is in any way like my baby was when he was smaller. He ABHORED diaper changes, especially at night. When the cold wet wipe touched his sweet little bottom, my sweet little baby turned into a sweet little nightmare.

My sister had had the wipe warmer and so I thought, why not? It’s very affordable, you can use any wipe brand in it, and it may solve a huge problem! We found baby John absolutely loved having warm wipes on his bottom, and no joke nighttime changes became quicker and easier, and he even fell back asleep faster (not making any promises, just our experience).

So, I definitely recommend a wipe warmer for your little baby’s tush. We love it!

3. dr. browns bottles

So one thing you will learn very quickly, especially if you’re breast feeding, is little babies are VERY gassy. It is so easy for their tummies to build gas bubbles and the littlest thing affects them.

We tried so many different types of bottles before finding Dr. Browns. John constantly had gas at first which led to so many nights of tears and tummy pains. We tried Dr. Brown’s after some research and finally had an answer! Once we switched around 4 months we haven’t turned back! We will definitely buy Dr. Brown for future babies and save tons in money from buying all the other kinds too.

4. formula dispenser

So I breast fed for about a month and realized that baby John ate way too much for my body to handle. So formula came in and saved the day! However, nobody wants to carry formula around with them every where they go; they’re usually pretty bulky and trust me you need the extra room in your diaper bag for all the extra clothes that are absolutely necessary (just ask John about his recent Cracker Barrel blow out).

This allows you to prepare four formula servings at a time and all you have to do is spin the top and empty into your bottle. It’s perfect for traveling with baby, or just preparing ahead of time for nighttime feedings or busy days. It really comes in handy when baby is crying and you only have two hands to get everything ready and quickly.

These are so cheap but very underestimated. I love it so much and truly don’t know what I would have done without it!

5. Zip-UP FOOTLESS PAJAMAS

You have probably heard this one already but it is so true. If you are going to by clothes for your baby, buy zip-ups only! When you’re trying to get them back in their outfit during the night, you don’t want to deal with all of those snap buttons. I promise.

I remember reading a post about it before having a baby and I was like, “It’s not a big deal.” And then I realized as I was choosing outfits for John, especially in the early stages, I always went for the zip-ups because they were so much easier.

I say footless because if your baby consistently stays in the 95 percentile for heighth, they will outgrow quickly footy-pajamas. Footless zip-ups allowed some room for growth so I saved money in the long run. Not to mention I had his little feet out in the open for extra kisses. Definitely something worth buying into!

So, that is my list of my Top 5 Things I Loved for MY baby. I hope it may come in handy for any new mamas out there wondering what the heck to purchase without wasting money! Let me know some things that you loved for your baby! Happy homemaking!

#Momfail: They All Fall Down

Can I just be honest and vulnerable here? This week has felt like a non-stop strand of mom fails. Non-stop.

Have you ever just messed up so many times you just feel like stopping? Or running away? Or just crying? Or maybe all of the above? That’s been me this week.

So John has been accelerating in movement. I’m talking crawling, pulling up on furniture, moving from item to item, trying to LITERALLY JUMP OFF OF STUFF. I’m pretty persuaded he wants to injure himself.

It’s one thing if babies hurt themselves when you’re not watching, but to have them hurt themself everyday when you’re just two steps away is pretty frustrating.

Let me let you in on this week. He fell off the bed, he hit his eye on the dresser knob (don’t ask me how), he’s fallen from holding on to the table about 15 times, slipped in the bathtub and got water in his face, and the list goes on and on.

It has really made me question my ability as a mother this week. I am sucking it up real bad at the moming. I know all babies fall down, especially when learning to move their little bodies, but at the same time you can’t help but blame yourself when it happens and you can’t stop it!

In all honesty its just been a really hard week for me in general. As a mother and wife I’ve been going and growing through some things. I have felt like no matter how hard I try, I end up failing. I’ve been studying the fruits of the Spirit and ironically feel like I’ve done nothing but walked in the flesh this week. Impatience, anger, frustration. Just falling on my face, over and over.

And as I write this, maybe that’s the whole lesson for me this week? Maybe God is wanting me to realize, like babies, we all fall down. But scripture says the righteous man falls seven times but gets back up.

So, if you’re a mama who has failed this week? Get back up. If you’re a wife who has been naggy a little too much, get back up. If you’ve complained instead of being thankful, cursed instead of blessing, or have really done a bad job at portraying Christ, my answer is this: get back up.

Keep pursuing holiness and not perfection. Keep pursuing His strength and not your own. Keep leaning all of yourself on Him completely.

Paul says that he boasts in his weakness, because where we are weak, God is strong! (2 Corinthians 12:9)

God’s grace is sufficient for you AND your clumsy little baby.

I love you guys! Happy homemaking!

The Power of a Lie: Breaking Free from Perfection

Perfectionism is not a fruit of the Spirit, but joy is.

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I don’t know if I’m the only one, but if I accidently mess up a clean piece of paper, I have to tear it up and start again. I hate that I can’t just move on with a mistake and not think about the imperfection, but sometimes my brain won’t let me. It screams out the mistake over and over until I give in and start again.

I’m the same way in my day to day; if something about myself or others isn’t just right, it screams at me and I can’t find peace. Sometimes this pressure for everything to be perfect in myself spreads out to those I love, and I try to fit them in the same “perfect” box and get disappointed and frustrated when they don’t fit.

I find myself getting irritable, aggravated and sometimes naggy when I believe this lie of Perfectionism. I told God recently that I don’t want to live this way anymore. I’m so tired of walking daily in this lie of Perfection. It’s a heavy weight to carry.

Yesterday I was feeding the baby and he was getting his oatmeal everywhere! Every bite he would take, he would rub his mouth and then the rest of his face, and then the high chair. I was trying to chase after every spot of oatmeal with a wipe and getting frustrated at him. At yelled, “Gosh John can’t you just eat clean???”

And I stopped myself (or God stopped me) and thought, “He is eating like a baby eats; dirty, messy, imperfect.” And I started to cry because I realized if I don’t change myself then I can pass on this attitude to him. And I don’t want him living in the lie that everything has to be perfect all the time! So I gave him another spoonful of oatmeal and I let him spread it all around . And then I even made myself wait to clean it up for a while after he was done.

I let that basket of laundry sit in the corner of the room for a little bit while I played with John and watched his face light up at new discoveries.

I let the dishes sit in the sink after dinner so I could cuddle with my husband before bed on the couch instead of feeling pressure to get it done immediately.

You may be different, but the way I combat this lie on my mind is to fight against it. I don’t have to have it done ALL the time. And that’s okay.

I lived under this pressure that if everything wasn’t picked up, cleaned up, in its right spot, then I was failing as a wife and mother. But in reality by focusing on a false perfection I was ignoring life in the moment to finish tasks that could wait.

Laughing with my son, slow kisses with my husband, rest for my mind and body, were all passing me by as I rushed from task to task. So I have learned to stop and enjoy. Those things will be waiting, but my family is growing and living and moving so quickly.

If you live in the lie of perfectionism, you can be free of it. It takes renewing your mind and knowing your worth is in God and not in your works. It takes self control to say no to your brain when it is yelling out your daily tasks instead of enjoying the moment with your family. It takes you dropping pride and realizing you will never reach perfection. Ever.

And I’ve realized that messy life is beautiful; because it means life is being lived. When a home is too busy trying to be perfect, often it stops being what we want it to be, home.

So what if my living room has toys in it and no longer looks like a magazine cover; that’s where my family laughs, eats, grows, and lives.

So what if my bed isn’t always made or there’s bath toys strewn all over the bath tub. That means we got sleep and a little boy had a blast.

So what if there’s a sink full of dishes. That means my family was blessed with some food!

So what if my belly is a little soft from having a baby and I didn’t lose my pregnancy weight as soon as the baby came out. My husband loves me and my body and that’s all that matters.

I’m not living with pressures to be perfect anymore. Its not worth the stress, weight, or exhaustion.

Enjoy your families. Enjoy your homes. Enjoy yourself, flaws and all.

Let your family breathe, play, laugh, and make sure you are letting yourself be free too.

And when it comes down to it, perfection is not a fruit of the Spirit. It’s usually a fruit of our flesh ruling, pushing us towards a self outside of relying on the Lord. An attitude of, “I can do it all.” And we can’t do it all. You can’t do it all.

I hope this helps you break free from the lie of perfectionism and just relax! Go have fun and as always, happy homemaking.

The Power of a Lie: Being Free of Mom Guilt

God doesn’t bless perfect parenting, it does not exist. He blesses humble parenting, a recognition that without Him, it cannot be done.

baby and me

If there were a person you knew, who could only tell lies, how often would you listen to what they had to say? What we believe in our minds, regardless or not if they are true, become our reality. Scripture tells us that Satan is the father of all lies (John 8:44). Yet, we continue to allow him to have territory in our minds, which if you are saved, belong to Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16).

An elephant who is being trained in a circus, can be held down by a tiny nail in the ground, because it believes the lie that it cannot break free. There are many lies that we believe that the enemy tells us. And I feel a certain need to expose these lies, especially the lies we women and mothers hear, so that we can begin to walk in the freedom that God intended us to.

So I am beginning a small series (of which I do not know the length) talking about the power of a lie. Each post will be another lie exposed so that freedom can be had!

Today’s post is on a lie that I have been personally battling this week in particular; mom guilt. This lie often shows it’s ugly head in phrases such as: “If you rest or take time to yourself, you’re a bad mom; good moms don’t need a break”, “You’re not doing good enough, your baby should be doing what the others are doing right now”, “If you go to work your baby will miss you and will grow up with issues”, “If you don’t work you won’t be able to provide everything that your baby needs so you’re a bad mom”, “You shouldn’t be taking time to start a blog, you need to be taking care of your baby”, “Your husband is going to resent you if he has to help out more than usual”…. and the lies go on and on.

No one prepared me for mom guilt. I had heard about it prior to becoming a mom but I didn’t think I would have an issue with it. What was so crazy about it is mom guilt started before John even was born! I remember working (before I knew I would get to stay home with him) and feeling guilty that John would be at his grandmother’s homes all day. I remember pre-counting the amount of time I would have with him and even crying about it to my husband (who probably thought I was crazy).

“Raising him is my job, I should be the one seeing his first crawl, first steps, first laugh…” Even before I held him in my arms, I believed the lie regarding mom guilt, which is essentially this: the responsibility of your child is yours alone so you better be perfect or else. 

Now this isn’t to disregard the common sense notion that parents are responsible for raising their children. This is a deeper thought that puts an unbearable amount of pressure and weariness on the mother’s shoulders to be everything and do everything all the time for everybody.

The reality of this lie this week has shown itself in when I have spent time to write a blog or prepare for an activity. I look in the other room where my husband is feeding and playing with John and I am doing something for myself and then BAM… guilt hits. You are selfish, you are wasting precious time, you shouldn’t be doing this, he needs you… it bombarded my mind this week, almost to the point of leading me to stop doing something I feel like God called me to.

Finally, I chose to be still. To listen to what God had to say. And this is what He said.

“Katie, you are not enough. You in yourself will never be enough. Not for Tyler, not for John, not even for yourself.  But in Me, you are enough. I called you and created you to be John’s mama. I called you and created you to do the things I am calling you to do for Me. And in Me, you CAN do both. Trust Me with your marriage. Trust Me with your children. Trust Me with your ministry. Stop allowing guilt to take away the joy of the present moment. Release your husband, children, and ministry to Me, and let Me bear your burdens. If you mess up, then you don’t have to worry, because you have given them into My hands.”

And I finally felt peace because I realized up to this point I had been trying to carry the burdens of things that He had called me to release back to Him. If I try to carry the pressure of making sure all things are perfect, or taking care of, by ME in my home, then I have set myself up for a load that will crush me. I set my mind up for guilt, fear, anxiety, shame, depression.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened, and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest {renewal and blessed quiet] for your souls. My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

The lie essentially is this: you are not enough of a mother for them. The truth is this: in Him, you are enough because HE is enough.

As we break down some of these lies in our lives, which will break down the false power they have on us, we will come to know an essential truth. This truth is that not every thought that comes into your mind is yours; which means you don’t have to keep it.

Let us renew our minds daily, cast every thought that comes against Christ down, and make every thought obedient to Christ. (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 10:5)

Today let us focus on releasing mom guilt to God. Release that pressure you have put on yourself to be perfect. And trust that God can guide you every day to raise those babies right. And when you have a bad day (which you will), trust that God has your family in His hands and enjoy the abundant blessing of family that He has given you.

So I don’t know about you, but I am tired of carrying guilt that isn’t mine to carry. I want to boldly walk before my children, showing them a woman of God who will do what He says regardless of comfort or attack, and serve Him mightily with boldness and authority.

So join me in releasing the power of the lie of mom guilt and be free!

Happy Homemaking and may God bless you and your families abundantly with grace, mercy, and love!